How To Fuck Yourself (1st In A Series)
Everybody does it, don't let anybody tell you different. They may think they don't, but everybody has, in their lifetime, fucked themselves. Because it is the easiest thing in the world to do.
First, on the night before your Restoration and Eighteenth-Century Literature exam (for which you haven't in fact finish reading the set texts), have your girlfriends drop by. Don't waste time chatting about relevant and/or sensible topics such as the weather or politics (and especially not literary criticism); make sure you have a friend who loves nothing more than launch into a passionate discussion on incest, male castration, and how women who've had mastectomies and whether pre-op MTF transsexuals with breasts can scare off a pontianak in the usual way of baring one's breasts. (Whether you deign to have such conversation over your dinner is entirely up to you.)
Make sure these girlfriends don't leave your studio before eleven in the night; after which time, you can stare blankly at your set texts and secondary readings, reading the same lines over and over again without taking anything in. After that, call it a night and go to sleep.
When you finally wake the next morning, take a moment to thank Goddess your paper is at 14:30. Plan the kinda snacks you want to take with you into the examination hall (because, you already know from your experiences, three-hour examinations always make you bored and hungry; not to mention, your bladder always chooses this time to shrink), and plan what you want to do after the paper: the less you think about your examination, the better. (In fact, maybe if you avoid thinking about it studiously enough, the examination will magically disappear, leaving you carefree and idle from 14:30 to 17:30 this afternoon).
Three hours before your presence is due at the examination hall, try to avoid last-minute crams; instead, spend your time on the Internet, surfing or blogging (or whatever is your poison). Take time to also plan your lunch. Remember to drink too much over-sweetened coffee on an empty stomach because that will make you jumpy and nervy: if you won't be able to concentrate on answering the four twenty-five-mark essay questions for your examination, at least your incessant fidgeting and jiggling of your foot will make it harder for the people sitting around you to concentrate too.
Having done all the above, when you finally sit your ass down in the examination hall, you'll realize you've thoroughly fucked yourself.
Congratulations!
First, on the night before your Restoration and Eighteenth-Century Literature exam (for which you haven't in fact finish reading the set texts), have your girlfriends drop by. Don't waste time chatting about relevant and/or sensible topics such as the weather or politics (and especially not literary criticism); make sure you have a friend who loves nothing more than launch into a passionate discussion on incest, male castration, and how women who've had mastectomies and whether pre-op MTF transsexuals with breasts can scare off a pontianak in the usual way of baring one's breasts. (Whether you deign to have such conversation over your dinner is entirely up to you.)
Make sure these girlfriends don't leave your studio before eleven in the night; after which time, you can stare blankly at your set texts and secondary readings, reading the same lines over and over again without taking anything in. After that, call it a night and go to sleep.
When you finally wake the next morning, take a moment to thank Goddess your paper is at 14:30. Plan the kinda snacks you want to take with you into the examination hall (because, you already know from your experiences, three-hour examinations always make you bored and hungry; not to mention, your bladder always chooses this time to shrink), and plan what you want to do after the paper: the less you think about your examination, the better. (In fact, maybe if you avoid thinking about it studiously enough, the examination will magically disappear, leaving you carefree and idle from 14:30 to 17:30 this afternoon).
Three hours before your presence is due at the examination hall, try to avoid last-minute crams; instead, spend your time on the Internet, surfing or blogging (or whatever is your poison). Take time to also plan your lunch. Remember to drink too much over-sweetened coffee on an empty stomach because that will make you jumpy and nervy: if you won't be able to concentrate on answering the four twenty-five-mark essay questions for your examination, at least your incessant fidgeting and jiggling of your foot will make it harder for the people sitting around you to concentrate too.
Having done all the above, when you finally sit your ass down in the examination hall, you'll realize you've thoroughly fucked yourself.
Congratulations!
posted by s at 11:44
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