Confessions Of An Agoraphobe
Ten days and counting, and I have still not stepped out of my house. Even I am beginning to wonder about myself.
Alvina and Jason have both commented that I'm currently like a housewife; Germ remarked that I've grown "more femme" - all because: one, vacuuming the house is the major high point of my day; two, I actually like ironing (I find it very cathartic); and, three, I've expressed a little anxiety about going out after the sun sets.
I've planned to (finally) go out somewhere this week - Monday to the movies, maybe - but found myself putting it off. Yesterday, because I was in a blue funk; I didn't do much except mooch around the house, read my kiddy-books, and watch my VCDs and DVDs - I didn't even vacuum the house or sort the laundry or iron the clothes. Today, because I had to catch up on the household chores. Tomorrow, prolly because there'll be laundry to be taken in and sorted, and ironed. The day after tomorrow because I have a date with Germ and Jason at seven, and if I should go out during the day, I'd be too tired to be pleasant company. I'll prolly find an excuse for Friday too - soon. As for the weekend - well, I don't do weekends: it's too crowded (and that's prolly understating it).
So I've been thinking: maybe it's not the heat (and the sun); maybe I don't dare to leave the house.
There was one summer when I was vacationing here and I had gone out. As the bus pulled away from the bus stop near my place, I started feeling a little anxious. Maybe it was because I wasn't wearing any underwear (I wore nipple tape though), or maybe 'my people' didn't feel like my people anymore.
Or something.
Maybe I don't dare to go out because I feel too self-conscious about my pastiness (it's really gross); but I can't wear anything more covered than a strappy or sleeveless top - not unless the temperature drops about 20 degrees.
Maybe it's because the buses around my place are nearly all unfamiliar to me.
Or maybe it's because it's quite a chore to plan my travel around clean public restrooms - and that's no mean feat here in Singapore - even the toilets in Takashimaya aren't all nice-smelling and clean (this was the only thing I told Mari that scared her off visiting and working in Singapore, which she had intially planned).
Still maybe it's because I'm a mite terrified of the crush of people almost everywhere. Sometimes, depending on the phase of the moon and my menstrual cycle, and the alignment of the planets, I would feel homicidal and misanthropic - which is not a particularly happy combination (or it could be), depending on how you look at it.
There's gotta be something that's holding me back - maybe it's my paranoia (Doreen was right all along, damnit) and my hypochonria.
Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna wake up bright and early and ... tune in to the Devils versus Sabres game. There - thrills and excitement without even having to leave my bedroom.
Now, is that agoraphobia, or hypochondria, or what?
(22:58 SGT)
Alvina and Jason have both commented that I'm currently like a housewife; Germ remarked that I've grown "more femme" - all because: one, vacuuming the house is the major high point of my day; two, I actually like ironing (I find it very cathartic); and, three, I've expressed a little anxiety about going out after the sun sets.
I've planned to (finally) go out somewhere this week - Monday to the movies, maybe - but found myself putting it off. Yesterday, because I was in a blue funk; I didn't do much except mooch around the house, read my kiddy-books, and watch my VCDs and DVDs - I didn't even vacuum the house or sort the laundry or iron the clothes. Today, because I had to catch up on the household chores. Tomorrow, prolly because there'll be laundry to be taken in and sorted, and ironed. The day after tomorrow because I have a date with Germ and Jason at seven, and if I should go out during the day, I'd be too tired to be pleasant company. I'll prolly find an excuse for Friday too - soon. As for the weekend - well, I don't do weekends: it's too crowded (and that's prolly understating it).
So I've been thinking: maybe it's not the heat (and the sun); maybe I don't dare to leave the house.
There was one summer when I was vacationing here and I had gone out. As the bus pulled away from the bus stop near my place, I started feeling a little anxious. Maybe it was because I wasn't wearing any underwear (I wore nipple tape though), or maybe 'my people' didn't feel like my people anymore.
Or something.
Maybe I don't dare to go out because I feel too self-conscious about my pastiness (it's really gross); but I can't wear anything more covered than a strappy or sleeveless top - not unless the temperature drops about 20 degrees.
Maybe it's because the buses around my place are nearly all unfamiliar to me.
Or maybe it's because it's quite a chore to plan my travel around clean public restrooms - and that's no mean feat here in Singapore - even the toilets in Takashimaya aren't all nice-smelling and clean (this was the only thing I told Mari that scared her off visiting and working in Singapore, which she had intially planned).
Still maybe it's because I'm a mite terrified of the crush of people almost everywhere. Sometimes, depending on the phase of the moon and my menstrual cycle, and the alignment of the planets, I would feel homicidal and misanthropic - which is not a particularly happy combination (or it could be), depending on how you look at it.
There's gotta be something that's holding me back - maybe it's my paranoia (Doreen was right all along, damnit) and my hypochonria.
Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna wake up bright and early and ... tune in to the Devils versus Sabres game. There - thrills and excitement without even having to leave my bedroom.
Now, is that agoraphobia, or hypochondria, or what?
(22:58 SGT)
posted by s at 03:58
1 Comments:
omg. just get out, will ya? :-|
Post a Comment
<< Home