Being The Singularly Shameful Black Sheep

I'd learnt one of my cousins would be getting married next year - the day before my birthday, in fact. This could potentially be a bit of a bother for me: this could mean an escalation - in intensity, in frequency, in sheer magnitude - of the Great Annual Inquisition (otherwise known as the Lunar New Year family gathering).

There is a pair of aunts - one on the paternal side, and the other from the maternal side - who seems to take a real delight in questioning about my personal life, viz.: "Ah girl, are you making friends?" (read: "Are you meeting guys?"), or the more direct "Do you have a boyfriend?"

With this particular cousin getting married, it means I'm the 'next in line' to get married off. (Actually, there is another cousin who's a year my senior, but she has been a no-show in the annual extended family gathering for so many years that, well, she appears to be off the hook by default ... lucky bitch.)

I don't see why rellies should take it upon themselves to question me about my personal life when my parents never do. I certainly don't go around asking my cousins, "So ... are you seeing anyone?" It just seems so ... nosy. And besides, it's none of my fucking business.

In a way, I suppose, it's rather fortunate (if fortunate is indeed the adjective) that, with the way the questions are phrased (and the heteronormative bias of the older generation - and, oh, let's face it - many people of my generation), and my 'issues', I will always be able to tell the truth. Even if I were seeing somebody (and somebody of the 'wrong' gender, at that), I would still be able to tell the truth.

Do I have a boyfriend? No (never again).

Why do I not have a boyfriend? Because nobody wants me.

When will it be my turn to get married? As far as I can predict: never.

Actually, I don't know why the aunts would still bother; I've been regurgitating the same answers ad nauseam, year after year. I'm destined for spinster-hood, people. How long will it take to get that through to you? (Hello, Rent-A-Hint, anyone?)

Being the singularly shameful black sheep of the family aside, there is still one tiny niggling detail I'm trying to iron out.

I'd brought my Pride flag home with me and it's now hanging in full-view in my bedroom. My parents have seen it, but have not commented on it. I'm not sure if they didn't know what the rainbow flag means, or if they were pretending not to know and taking the 'don't ask, don't tell' route; I'm going with the latter because I've learned it never pays to underestimate your parents.

Would my rellies comment on and ask questions about it, though? And if they did, how should I answer them?

I know, I know - if you're going to worry about such a thing, why did you hang it up in the first place? If you'd hung it up in full-view, not giving a shit about the possible consequences, why would you care about the rellies?

More importantly: if you're going to worry about the rellies, then you've defeated the purpose (and significance) of hanging the flag up; after all, if you didn't have any pride at all, then what right have you, and why would you, to put up a Pride flag?

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute
   will reverse.



from 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'
T.S. Eliot, in Prufrock (1917)

I just wish I'd never get asked about my personal life ever again. The last I checked, it is mine and it is private, and I'm a very private person. Regardless of what Jason said about my life being an open book, the truth is I have skeletons that would take a whole troop of dedicated archaeologists decades to excavate.

Also - inexplicably? - I feel rather resentful that nearly everybody takes for granted that the entire world is fucking heterosexual; it bloody is not.

And, let's not forget, folks: the world would be a dull place if nobody were gay.

But here I go again, all empty fury and hot air blowing ...



Damn the Lunar New Year gathering.



(23:43 SGT)