"Audit You, Buddy!"

We shouldn't curse with sexual words. It gives sex a bad name in a situation like that. And it doesn't make sense. You're driving, someone cuts you off the road, almost kills you, you roll down the window, wish them the nicest possible thing in the world. We need new curses that really mean something, like, "Oh, yeah? Well, audit you, buddy!"


Elayne Boosler on cursing,
in She's So Funny (Judy Brown, ed.), 2004.

When I read it, I not only burst out laughing, I thought: this is, like, So. True.

But, try as I might, I couldn't think of anything that has the same sorta delivery as "fuck you"; nothing seems to be as reflexive and pithy as the good ol' f-word.

Like, last night:

Jason (to Germ): She looks ^{[mumble mumble, drowned by the drone of traffic]} ...

Me: What?

Jason: Nothing.

Me: What?!

Jason: I said, you're pretty tonight, okay?

Me: Fuck you.

Jason: You know, out of ten girls, if I told every one of them they were pretty, and they all said 'fuck you' to me, I'll be damn happy, man; I'll be like, "Okay, sure! I don't mind!"

Me: Yeah ... that's true.

Even though something like "audit you" (or perhaps, in the case of Singapore, "fine you") totally makes more sense, I just couldn't make myself say, "Yeah, well, audit/fine you, asshole."

So I said, rather lamely, "Um, go fuck yourself."

And Jason just shrugged and replied: "That doesn't affect me at all."

I so need a new curse ...