Smokescreen

The only time I was truly - if ever - tempted to learn to smoke was when I was in obsessive worship of Wong Kar Wai, especially his works, Fallen Angels and Chungking Express.

Because (and I hate to admit to this), in his movies, smoking is cool: smoking is the epitome of old school coolness. And in Fallen Angels especially, smoking never looked cooler. Somehow, he's managed to make smoking the languid, world-weary, romantic, and stoically tragic pose.

I was very tempted, but I'd promised myself, a long time ago, that if I ever were to have an oral fixation, smoking cigarettes will not be it; my (il)logic reasoned: why smoke ciggies when you can do weed - and why do weed when dropping acid is so much trippier?

So I never learn to smoke, and, after my obsessive worship of Wong Kar Wai (and his movies) became more moderate and manageable, I never wanted to either.

In fact, I'm very opposed to smoking and smokers who don't give a shit about who has to inhale their second-hand smoke; I am very pissed off with smokers who request for smoking tables when they're with non-smokers, and I sometimes get irritated with smokers who have to leave the (non-smoking) table every fifteen minutes for a breath of stale nicotine-laden air.

But this is all due to my being uptight and anal - which, in turn, are the possible consequences of my being a non-smoker.

Smokers are more "relaxed" and "laidback" than non-smokers are because when smokers congregate for their nicotine rations, they chat with one another and they share. They talk about what's bugging them, and, in the process, decompress. Hence, in a way, while smoking is bad for you, it's good not so bad for you.

This was Shimin's theory in any case; and, for some reason, it made sense that night when she said it. I am a non-smoker; I am anal - very, very anal - and maybe I am uptight. By all accounts, I should pick up smoking ASAP to avoid hefty psychiatry bills in the not-too-far-off future.

But I can't. She told me not to pick up the habit, but I wouldn't have anyway: I'm too proud to. I don't like having to be dependent on anyone or anything, because I am of the opinion that any dependency is a weakness, an Achilles heel; and because I am already very dependent on a lot of things and people, I absolutely refuse to allow myself to have to depend on yet another thing.

Of course, this could just be my being anal and uptight about things again.

On the other hand, if I'm the sort who will still watch her mouth and actions even when she's high, what are the odds that I'd share my problems with the person huddling next to me, from whom I've just borrowed a light or bummed a stick, friend or no?

Anyway, I've found a healthier and much more therapeutic alternative to walking cancer-factories: her name is No-Name Doggie, and she smells oh-so lovely.

Also, my objection of smoking and, by default, smokers, has nothing to do with seeing my maternal grandfather's lung cancer-wrecked skeletal frame propped up in ICU for an agonizingly extended period, before finally painfully passing on; I really can't give a shit about smokers now, whether they are my friends or not, I'm concerned only about me. If I were to die of something caused by an addiction that is not mine, I'm going to be really bloody pissed.

After all, if you don't care about how you're killing me, why should I care about how horribly you're going to die?

(And this appalling self-centeredness is, of course, just another result of my being a non-smoker.)