The Liar

As a child I lied a lot - constantly, in fact; about trivial things such as what I'd spent my daily allowance on (a sandwich and a meatball instead of three ice lollies - that sort of thing). There was hardly a thing I didn't lie about, hardly a thing I said that wasn't a lie, hardly a person I couldn't and didn't lie to; I lied without blinking, without much remorse (if at all).

The truth was I thought I was a great liar - a great chronic liar.

Sure, there had been times I'd been worried about my lying: was nothing sacred at all?

As I got older, I thought this second-nature lying was an asset, especially for somebody who was conflictingly private and prone to rambling confessions. Yet, strangely enough, the older I got, the less I lied; and the less I lied, the worse I got at it. I think I might've stopped talking in lieu of lying.

I still lie, of course, but now I get a tummy-ache if I were to lie for too long a stretch, and if the lie(s) were too great; also, I think my face and body language often give me away. I don't think I feel comfortable with lying to people (strange and familiar) anymore. Unfortunately.

Today, Sara repeated her question to me; the second time was prefixed by "no, seriously, are you ..." because the first time she asked, I was still laughing at something she'd said earlier.

I heard her the first time round, and my reflexive response was to say "No" - which I repeated - but I hesitated for the barest of seconds between my first reflexive no and my second, more considered and more reluctant, no - and I'd looked away when I answered her.

I walked away from that conversation feeling like I'd lied to her; but after giving it some serious thought later, I thought my answers were not only justifiable, they were true - technically - so I couldn't have been lying to Sara.

Still, that feeling haunted me - a concoction of guilty not-too-proud-of-myself-ness and confused contempt that didn't taste particularly pleasant. Then I figured it out.

It's true I'd not lied to Sara, but it's also true I'd lied - I'd just lied to a different person.

I think I very much prefer lying to the people around me even though it's more difficult to do so, because lying to the others, you can still stay true to yourself; but lying to yourself ...